I finally watched ‘Avatar’ for the first time, and it has one glaring problem

20th Century Fox

Sometimes watching a “classic” after its prime makes it hard to understand what everyone loved about it.

In 2009, James Cameron’s “Avatar” made history with the technology it used to capture actors’ facial expressions in real time to later be used for animation. The film focuses on a U.S. Army mission to Pandora, an alien world full of resources earth desparately needs in 2154. 

“This film is a true hybrid — a full live-action shoot, with CG characters in CG and live environments,” Cameron told The New York Times in 2007. “Ideally, at the end of the of day, the audience has no idea which they’re looking at.”

Roger Ebert said “Avatar” was “one of those films you feel you must see to keep up with the conversation.”

Well, I missed out on the conversation.

I never watched “Avatar,” and I never had a desire to.

But finally, seven years after the highest-grossing film of all time premiered, I watched it. And honestly, I saw some problems. Maybe I missed out on the time that made it special. Maybe it was overblown. Either way, I’m pretty apathetic toward “Avatar.”

These were my thoughts while I watched “Avatar” for the first time.

One minute in and I’m already rolling my eyes at the dialogue — “They can fix a spine if you’ve got the money. But not on vet benefits, not in this economy.” — which is not a good sign for the next 2.9 hours.

I want to watch TV like this. It would be perfect to fall asleep to.

Three minutes in and I’m finally seeing those really cool special effects I was promised.

I love a good first-person shot, but this does give off a video-game vibe.

We’re not even with the actual Avatars, and this scene looks more CGI than live action. Seriously, is this a video-game movie in disguise?

Hey, it’s the guy from “Dodgeball.”

Authority figure who is ex-military? Check. Harsh voice? Check. Buzzed haircut because he doesn’t do nonsense? Check. A scar that will come with a backstory? Check. Ladies and gentlemen, we have our antagonist.

Time for some exposition: Our manly protagonist Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) explains the meaning behind the film’s title. Avatars are remote-controlled bodies grown from mixing human DNA with the DNA of the Pandora natives, Na’vi. That’s almost word-for-word from the movie, which is way more into the CGI than its dialogue.

I feel like I’m the one who should be doing video diaries while I sit through Worthington deadpan through his lines. I’m already way over Jake Sully.

But I’m a huge fan of Sigourney Weaver’s Grace Augustine. She’s unapologetic. She’s a leader.

They’re here.

First, it’s scary how much this Avatar looks like Sigourney Weaver. Second, why are we sexualizing these creatures? Grace is wearing a crop top and has a two-inch waist. Why is this necessary, James Cameron?

The colonel enlists ex-Marine Jake to work for him instead of Grace so they can con the Na’vi into relinquishing the resources of their homeland.

Let me explain why I hate Jake Sully. He just called this enormous creature a “b—-.” Men can be written just as badly as women, and Jake Sully is atrociously written. We deserve a better male protagonist than one who only speaks in stereotypical masculine exclamations, taglines, and curse words.

Zoe Saldana is finally here and very surprisingly has gauges. She’s also highly sexualized, wearing only a loincloth and necklace to cover herself.

The creatures that live in Pandora are interesting. They’re certainly one-of-a-kind, but they look like they belong more in a children’s movie or video game. It makes it harder to take this movie seriously.

Immediately, Zoe Saldana’s performance shines through the CGI. Worthington is hopelessly lost. No wonder her career skyrocketed after this movie.

Neytiri (Saldana) is literally whining about having to hang out and teach Jake Sully the ways of the Na’vi. I’d feel the same.

I am all about strong female leadership. Go Mo’at!

Here’s the biggest problem with “Avatar”: It’s two films trying to be one. I disconnect every time the movie switches from live-action storytelling to CGI. The blue-green hues are the same, but it doesn’t flow seamlessly. It’s an animation movie acting like it’s not an animation movie.

This feels very gamemaker-esque. The RDA is the gamemaker in this Pandora Hunger Games.

When is Jake Sully supposed to sleep? As soon as his Avatar goes to sleep, he runs around with Grace and the RDA. Then he goes back into his Avatar. He is running 24/7.

Okay, these floating mountains are pretty spectacular.

So “Avatar” is basically the reverse of “Tarzan”: The “civilized” man gets in touch with nature thanks to a woman.

This whole notion of “tsaheylu,” or bond, is honestly pretty gross. I get the green message of connecting with the planet and its creatures, but it’s a little overkill to have to show the connection physically.

Sully narrates that Neytiri described the connection to the planet as a “network of energy that flows through all living things.” Do you mean The Force?

The great leonopteryx looks like a Pokémon.

Halfway through the movie (how is it only halfway?), and Jake and Neytiri hook up. The awkwardness of how Na’vi have sex is equal to the awkwardness of Jack and Rose in “Titanic.” I’m seriously grossed out at the hair connection. Also, it looks like they’re having sex in the jellyfish fields of “Finding Nemo.”

I’m finally invested in the green storyline when the bulldozers are seemingly about to kill Neytiri and an unlinked Jake Sully Avatar. It finally shows that his timing isn’t perfect, and he can’t be in both bodies at once. Also Saldana is just an A-plus actor.

This first-person point-of-view shot again makes “Avatar” feel like a video game.

Have I mentioned yet how amazing Zoe Saldana is in this movie?

As much as “Avatar” is a movie about conservation, it is also an anti-war film. When the RDA attacks Hometree, it’s very representative of 9/11. It’s heartbreaking and unsettling to watch the Na’vi run, screaming and crying as their home is destroyed.

I don’t have a ton of kind words about “Avatar” or James Cameron, but I absolutely love the use of symmetry throughout the film.

Jake Sully is basically “Avatar’s” version of Neo from “The Matrix.” As Neo was unknowingly The One, Jake is Toruk Makto, or “Rider of the Last Shadow,” a prophesied figure Neytiri believed him to be like Trinity believed in Neo.

I enjoy the teal, blue, and purple watercolor look of the scene, but this ritual is bizarre. I can’t get over the ponytail thing. The motion reminds me of Tina’s sexy-dance fighting from “Bob’s Burgers.”

It’s time to rally the troops.

Toruk Makto recruits other Na’vi tribes like Jon Snow trying to unite houses against the Boltons in “Game of Thrones.”

The battle is captivating, but the animation doesn’t seem all that extraordinary for a movie touted for its visuals.

I question James Cameron’s science here. How does Norm (Joel David Moore) not die if his Avatar was killed? Their consciences/minds are linked. In fact, they are one. If his mind dies in the Avatar, it should also die in his human body, no?

Michelle Rodriguez, you’re always a scene-stealer.

Everything is so computer-generated here that it looks as if Worthington is just lying in a green screen. It’s not awe-inspiring at all. I understand it’s difficult to create this single frame, but it feels awkward to me.

Finally made it to the end. Jake is forever a Na’vi.

I’m not very impressed. The writing was subpar for all the hubbub about the movie. It’s a war story with a star-crossed lovers storyline. It’s a pretty film, but it seems more like a video game than a landmark use of CGI. “Lord of the Rings” used similar technology for Andy Serkis’ Gollum and also featured live-action characters in fantasy worlds, and it all felt realistic in its own way. This feels like an animated movie when you know it’s not trying to be one.

So you probably won’t catch me lining up to see the next four sequels.

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